


Someone To Rely On

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Nightmares, PTSD, from bucky's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 12:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17601641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Bucky thinks he hurt you and his mind spirals





	Someone To Rely On

By some miracle, this place was still one of the few quiet places in New York. The city had changed so much since Bucky had been a kid, but this had been his hiding place then and it still was.

Bucky hadn’t been in his right mind as he rushed out of her apartment and through the night. The city that never sleeps had seemed quiet in comparison to the storm in his mind. All he could think of was to get as far away from her as fast as he could.

It wasn’t until he sat down by the East River, letting the sounds of the rushing waters calm his mind. He was hiding under one of the bridges just like he had been as a kid. He felt the earth beneath his bare feet and the cold biting his skin. He didn’t care. He didn’t deserve any comfort anyway. He was a monster and he should never have allowed himself to forget.

Bucky closed his eyes resting his head back against the concrete foundations of the bridge as he wished he was the man he once was. Someone that took her dancing, not caring about the people around him. Someone that was in control of his mind every minute of the day and night. He wished he was that someone that deserved her love. Hell if he couldn’t be that happy kid again, he just wished he could have been who he, for a few months, had believed he could be. The person she had seen him as and the person he was starting to feel like. Something that had been ripped from him with the blink of an eye.

He felt selfish. He knew he should just be happy she was okay. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he remembered the fear written all over her face. She had never looked at him like that before and he had sworn she never would. There was nothing in this world Bucky wanted more than seeing her safe and happy. He should never have allowed things to go as far as they had between the two of them.

Most of his life people had robbed Bucky of his free will. He would never do that to her. He loved her and she loved him, he never doubted that. If she wanted to be with him for whatever reason Bucky would never understand, he had decided he didn’t want to rob her of that choice. He had been stupid. Her safety was more important than her choice. He could have hurt her tonight. He couldn’t be around her. No matter how much he loved her and how much walking away was going to hurt, he knew what he had to do.

“Bucky?” his eyes opened wide and his body froze in place as her voice carefully sounded beside him. She had found him. Bucky cursed himself for coming here. The place he had taken her to himself months ago. He had shared his hideaway with her. Of course, she would follow him. It was who she was. He had never met anyone as forgiving and loving as her. But how could she forgive him for this? Bucky didn’t want her too.

“Bucky… You’re gonna get cold,” she lowered herself down behind him, carefully wrapping a blanket around his shoulders. He twitched slightly with her touch. The dream was still fresh in his mind and even if his brain knew it wasn’t real, his body still expected pain.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, pulling back a little but she stayed next to him. She just sat there, staring at the rushing of the river along with him as she waited for him to talk. She had always been so patient with him. Oh how he wished he could have been the man, she needed him to be. But he wasn’t and he was never going to be. Not after the decades of not being anything but a mindless murderer. He hadn’t been human and Bucky wasn’t sure he ever would be again.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” Bucky finally spoke. He still didn’t look at her. He couldn’t. He knew what he had to do, but he always knew that all it would take was one look from her and his resolve would break.

“Bucky… I’m fine,” she rationalized as if she knew what he was thinking. She always seemed to know. Somehow she always seemed to understand him without him having to speak a word. Which was a good thing. Even on the best of days, Bucky was a man of few words, which made this even harder. He needed her to understand. To be okay with this. He wasn’t walking away because he didn’t love her. He was walking away because he did.

“You were having a nightmare… This is all my fault” she started and Bucky jerked to face her. He couldn’t let her blame herself. It wasn’t her fault. He hurt her. She had no blame in what happened tonight.

“Don’t. I hit you. It wasn’t your fault,” Bucky’s voice was low and ominous. Scary even, if you didn’t know him But she did. The fear Bucky had seen in her eyes earlier was long gone and all he saw now was confusion and love.

“You didn’t hit me,” she protested instantly, moving a bit closer when Bucky frowned. He tried to recall what had happened but he couldn’t. He remembered her on the ground next to the bed and the fear in her eyes. He had assumed what had happened, but he couldn’t actually remember anything.  

“Bucky. You didn’t hurt me. I promise,” her voice was soft and he knew she saw him desperately trying to remember. “You were screaming. You were having a nightmare. I tried to wake you and you jolted up. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and I slipped. That’s why I was on the floor. You never touched me.”

Tears started streaming down his face again. He couldn’t remember. He remembered the nightmare because it was real. He remembered the machines and the torture, but he couldn’t remember coming too. It always took him a few seconds to adapt to reality after a dream like that. He trusted her though. He knew that no matter what happened, she would never lie to him.

“You looked scared…” Bucky was still on edge, but he let her cup his face in her hands and rest her forehead against his.

“For you Buck. I was scared for you. I hate seeing you like that. I hate everything that was done to you, but I have never for one second been afraid of you,” she spoke quietly as her thumbs caressed his cheeks.

“I could have hurt you…” Bucky sobbed, his mind still battling how he felt. He was tired. Tired of fighting and running away. He wanted nothing more than this new beginning and he wanted it with her. What he wanted didn’t matter though. Not if she wasn’t safe. He could live with a lot of things. He had too, but he couldn’t live with ever hurting her.

“No you couldn’t,” she pulled back, looking straight into his eyes. Bucky saw the determination and strength in her. She never ceased to amaze him. “You’re not him anymore. You’re in control Bucky. I feel safe with you. I am safe with you.”

Bucky averted his eyes, looking down at the ground between them. His mind was a battlefield. He was doing better, he knew that. The therapist Steve had arranged for him to talk to had told him his healing wouldn’t be linear. It hadn’t been. There had been setbacks and bad days before. Maybe this was all it was. Maybe they could get past this. He wanted to. He wanted a life with her. He wanted her to be safe with him.

“Bucky…,” her voice broke a little and Bucky’s eyes met hers. The pain in her voice tore into his soul. She was hurting now. “Please don’t leave me…”

Bucky couldn’t stop himself if he had tried. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close against his chest. He let her cling to him as he clung to her. She was everything to him. She understood him better than anyone and yet she would never fully understand the struggle inside his mind when it came to her. He wanted her to be happy and safe with him, but part of him would always believe that was a selfish dream. If you are hurt enough, you come to expect pain. Nothing mattered to him more than her, and Bucky knew that put her in all kinds of danger. But he couldn’t hurt her.

“I won’t” Bucky promised, swallowing harshly as she cried against him. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she pulled back a little drying her eyes, smiling hesitantly at him. “Just promise you will try and talk to me? I can handle it.”

Bucky smiled at the stubborn expression in her eyes and for the first time all night he started to feel a little like himself. Not the damaged ex-Winter Soldier, not like the happy go lucky Brooklyn kid he had been. Someone in between and nothing like either all at once. Someone new, someone he got to be with her. Someone that would do anything to keep the smile, that just appeared on her face, there. Someone that was bent by all he had been through, but not broken. Someone that wasn’t going to give up, because that would mean his tortures had won.

“I know you can doll. Just be patient with me yeah?” Bucky asked her quietly as she smiled.

She took his hand and pulling him back onto his feet along with her, before wrapping her arms around his waist from the side.

“Always. But can we go somewhere warm for me to be patient? I am freezing my tits off,” she teased, smiling widely as a laugh bubbled through Bucky’s chest.

“We can’t have that,” Bucky smiled, kissing the side of her head as he let her lead him towards her car. He knew she was plenty warm in her boots and jacket, but that she worried about him even she didn’t need too. He supposed she always would, just like he always would worry about her other reasons. Only Bucky didn’t see his own worries were as needless. Not for now at least. Nothing would ever hurt her, not as long as Bucky was around, least of all the super soldier himself.

The only pain Bucky would ever be the cause of was the times his nightmares woke her up over the years. The only fear she would have about him was that his mental pain would never end. The only physical pain Bucky would ever have any hand in causing her was when they, five years after the night he almost had left her, welcomed their baby daughter into the world.

All of their struggles would pale in comparison to what their love brought each other and the little life that came to be because of it.


End file.
